Just an all over the place post about… love?
A day or so ago while talking to one of the few if not the one person I was considering dating, they told me that I always think about dating, and that it held too much importance for me.
At first glance this was odd since I spend so little time thinking about or pursuing relations with the ‘fairer’ sex.
I, just realizing it, explained that dating would invariably come up and seem important when we talked, since it was/is in the specific context of her. I also threw in a half-baked metaphor of a waiter at your favorite restaurant commenting on that you thought about food a lot. When in actuality you just come to the restaurant when you are hungry.
She said she got is, not quite sure if I do yet.
I do think of it enough though, ‘dating’. I am an animal. I am a living being. Quite natural thoughts to have at my somewhat middling age. It is not dating per say, but the reproduction of which it serves as a prerequisite to. Or is to me and if you are reading this, very likely that of your society and subsequently mindset, had the idea that its best to date your best friend, since middle school, should have stuck to that, friend-zone be damned, for it was correct.
Reproduction is a consideration, this kind of dedicated companionship without that as a possibility, if not its explicit goal, has long ago lost most of it’s interest to me. Does this mean kids a day after we begin dating? No but it’s something we should both want. I am open to options such as surrogacy as I am unable to carry said child I would not impose it on the child’s mother if they were unwilling or unable; and to a much lesser extent, adoption much more open to this if it is post biological kid(s). As a male I am incapable of the glorious yer imposing ability of carrying said life to term so I would not demand it from the child’s mother, be they unwilling or unable.
As a thinking animal, with little to no attachments or obligations, I find myself considering various aspects of a potential mate. Some of these, such as such as such as genetics to choice of language, can lead to some issues. Genetic diversity has many potential benefits but I would want to speak the same languages as the mother and her extended family/friends. This was just an example and far form an insurmountable challenge as qualities, such as virtue, supercede potential diversity benefits and languages can be learnt. In general these considerations are far from rules encoded into my ReprOS under massive levels of encryption, but some quickly file people in the “i’ll never have you before hello” section of my thoughts.
Rational thought is foundational to my thoughts and decisions pertaining to reality. I ignored, or was unable/unwilling to act on rational thoughts before, for large parts during, and for a long time after my last major relationship. Regardless I am back to it and better than ever, which in this social climate (from my perspective it would be the one in the western developed world , though many of the patterns are evidenced in all societies) has me evaluating dating, let alone whatever concept of lawful marriage you may have as something everyone should avoid if not preceded by self knowledge and a rational discussion and dissection of past, current and your future relationship together.
Let’s get back to the conversation from a few days ago.
I asked her why she begun to speak to me, it’s been years but I had never asked. She remembered the day she did, but did not know exactly why, but I was interesting enough to draw her attention. I asked her what kind of partner she felt would be good for me, as by her admission it was not her, and what kind of partner she wanted. Though there was enough of an overlap of our personalities in the two people she described, I somehow agree with her assertion that something between us was ‘probably not’ going to happen. If I was that guy and she that gal, whats taken so long?
For someone that has fascinated me for as long as she, this realization was quite a freeing experience. She was one of the constants that helped me through a lot of dark, heavy, suffocating times. Helped and in retrospect, served as a crutch. Finally letting go of that, and understanding her critique of susceptibility to laziness has done wonders for me. It’s just been a day or so but this change, is more than just the general improvements in my life. As my mind is never quite at rest, the laziness is was not quite that of the sin of sloth, but it was quite adept at finding convincing reasons not to do things. I did not do all I can, when I could. Though I was aware she knew it. Knowing it now, I am rectifying that.
This is not an uptick on the graph of life improvement, more of a put down the chart and live moment.
She wanted to know how I tick, that’s what interested her. Interesting. Interestingly enough, what proved to be the initial domino that lead to a general breakdown of the edifice of cognitive dissonance that I had around myself, was someone telling me I was no longer as interesting to them as I once was. Having once thought that I foisted my unrequited post-breakup feelings onto them, their comment made me see through it I recall thinking about the “are you not entertained?!” line from Gladiator. In retrospect, those feelings may have never been with them, but with her, the subject of this post.
This expression of interest, hmm ill ask her if I still interest her though our continued friendship may be enough of a confirmation, seems to be a sort of deed to a life… a confirmation post the fact, that I no longer need affirmation from outside to feel me.
An affirmed lack for affirmation.
She is quite the lovely being.
I do love her.
FKA Twigs and her sensual audibles